In accordance with my Inviolable Rules of Television Health and Medicine, fair Wednesday has emerged with only the tiniest, delicate scratches on her otherwise unmarred face after her harrowing night at Willow Hill — where, to review, she discovered the “LOIS” program was a Dr. Moreau–style prison in which rare Outcasts, whose deaths were faked by Judi’s dad, Augustus Stonehearst, were kept and experimented on. Amid this madness, said Outcasts, including Slurp (the zombie), Uncle Fester, Tyler, and an unidentified woman, were freed from their cages; also, Dr. Fairburn and Thornhill were killed. Also, Wednesday’s in a coma. Love that comatose Wednesday has her hands folded across her chest, corpse-style. Wednesday might lose consciousness, but she’ll never lose her attitude.

While comatose, Wednesday has a vision: It’s Principal Weems, her spirit guide! Turns out they’re 13th cousins (spooky number!). Wednesday is not thrilled, but according to Weems, no one in the afterlife was really signing up for this gig. Weems, apparently gunning for my job, recaps Wednesday’s latest exploits and troubles: She’s lost her psychic ability, lied to Enid, and, per my previous email, freed the homicidal Tyler from his chains. Weems points out, as Morticia has said, that Wednesday lost her powers because she abused them.

Judi is attempting damage control, assuring the residents of Jericho — who, in a sort of Sunnydale-type situation, are both very clued in and totally clueless re: the supernatural shitshow in their midst — that all but three (hmmm) of the escaped “residents” have been found and sent to other facilities, as Willow Hill will be closed for the foreseeable future. At large: Fester Addams, John Doe (a.k.a. Slurp), and Tyler Galpin. Not mentioned: the unidentified woman. Judi emptied her rainy-day fund to hire a hit man who has been killing all the LOIS patients. The only one he can’t track down is Patient 1938, who I thought was Ophelia but who some of you clever commenters correctly ID’ed as Tyler’s mom.

What do you make of the sheriff? At least she knows Wednesday is no ordinary girl. And later, she does understand how zombie attacks work, which seems like a step up. However, she knows nothing about LOIS, and it’s hard to tell if a normie could ever have a handle on a situation involving quite so many Outcasts. Despite being the one who gets the call that Wednesday is alive — for everyone keeping track, it’s been two weeks since the “power outage” at Willow Hill — the sheriff somehow does not make it to Wednesday’s hospital room before Judi does. Judi and Wednesday have a little threatening exchange that honestly doesn’t go anywhere interesting — just telling each other stuff we already know — and then Wednesday receives a delivery of dead flowers with a super-subtle note. (“YOU + ENID DIE TONIGHT.”) She looks up and sees Tyler, disguised as a doctor. Fun! Before Wednesday can catch him, he is gone, replaced in the hall by the Mayflower Mariachis, who are here to celebrate the Day of the Dead. In my notes, I write, Wow, what a glorious melting pot America is 🫡.

In a conversation that totally sounds like a real conversation and not at all like a bunch of exposition shoved into these actors’ mouths, we learn that Bianca and Ajax are hiding Bianca’s mom in a burned-out part of the school where she will be safe from Gideon (cult leader) and Morning Song (cult), even though Gideon is getting closer to Jericho. As ever, I find this whole thread pretty dull — we are fully 13 episodes into this series and still no payoff for this plot; what is the vision here? — so let’s move on to the monsters.

Wednesday is back at her dorm to tell Enid that Tyler is still out there and — finally! — she relents and tells Enid that Tyler plans to kill them both. Enid is tired of being protected and treated as a sidekick … almost as if she has a meta-awareness of being on a show called Wednesday … anyway, this eventually inspires Enid to get the Nightshades back together. Again, I am sorry to tell you that the Nightshades as a group never really clicked for me. It’s just literally every student that we know, and yes, they have powers, but so do all the other kids at Nevermore, and it’s not even a secret, so who cares? Also, did Enid literally just join a pack? So why wouldn’t her “we can’t do this alone” insight trigger her to summon the wolf pack? Ah, anyway.

Weems watches in horror as her successor, Principal Dort, cheers about the Day of the Dead while shooting a T-shirt gun. It is also, for some reason, “Outcast Day of Remembrance,” because there isn’t enough going on here. Wednesday tells Dort to cancel all the festivities because Tyler is still out and about. But Dort refuses: He (1) is getting food trucks and (2) invited donors. As we know by now, there is something fishy going on re: Dort, money. Clearly the funds he’s so hell-bent on raising aren’t actually going to Nevermore. What do we think he’s in the hole over? Sports gambling? Crypto? Leave your predictions in the comments!

Tyler is coming undone, hallucinating his dead dad (spirit guide?! nah) and insisting, à la Wednesday, that he doesn’t need ANYONE, not even the master he killed. We will later learn the story from Capri, who conveniently had a Hyde for a boyfriend except for she didn’t know (sound familiar?????) and his master was in love with him and so told the Hyde to kill Capri, who was able to fight him off because it was a full moon. The boyfriend did kill his master, though, and the lore is that only male Hydes can’t survive without a master, lmao. Of course, Wednesday’s takeaway from this chat is that she should become Tyler’s master so she can control him. This idea is objectively insane and deeply misguided, which is how we know she’s going to pursue it.

Pugsley is worried about Slurp, out there all alone in the world sans his only friend. Gomez agrees to help Pugs track the zombie as a little father-son adventure. Meanwhile, Judi’s hit man gets killed by Hyde-Tyler. Slurp, looking almost human, helps himself to some hit-man brains and finds the picture of Patient 1938, a.k.a. Tyler’s mom.

Wednesday goes through Thornhill’s old notebooks to learn how to become Tyler’s master, while Weems seethes over her tarnished legacy, all because she made one bad hire one time! Love this moment where Morticia can feel Weems’s energy — remember, they were classmates — and undermines Weems by recalling how “lonely” she was at school. Morticia begs her daughter not to “court this monster,” but Wednesday is determined as ever.

Hours of searching and still no Slurp, so the Addams boys bail and go to the truly hilarious, deeply bizarre “Los Spooky Noches at Pilgrim World.” Gomez greets the lead pilgrim: “I commend you on your ability to appropriate with such panache.” See above re: USA! USA!

Tyler’s mom, meanwhile, has found a fully furnished place to hide out that also has a radio. Sure! Where do we think she is?

Back at Nevermore, Agnes the Invisigirl assures Wednesday that she tended to her during her coma (rebraided her hair, tried on her clothes, sent hourly “get well” cards) and clues her into the Nightshades meeting, which Wednesday subsequently crashes. Wednesday tells the gang she has a plan, and the plan is: Enid is bait. Well, at least she’s in the loop! We get yet another adult (Weems) telling Wednesday yet again that she should not attempt to be Tyler’s master and actually, her energy would be better spent addressing her pathological control issues. Wednesday declines to listen.

Slurp scares, and is scared, at the Haunted Hacienda in Pilgrim World. He self-soothes (eats some brains). All the cops go to Pilgrim World and literally none of them stay behind at Nevermore. Sorry for ever believing in the sheriff! I will not make that mistake again. Before the police arrive, Pugsley finds Slurp and tries to reason with him. They agree to part as equals. Gomez pretends not to see. Meanwhile, Tyler’s mom, Francoise, arrives at Morticia’s door to explain that she was not dead and that Wednesday is an angel who saved her.

The Nevermore children march gloomily behind their “Outcast Day of Remembrance” sign, wearing hooded robes; Tyler has swiped one from somewhere and blends right in. Thing provides stage directions to get Tyler to find and chase Enid. Does Tyler not realize Thing would only ever point him to a place Wednesday wants him to go? Enid lures Tyler into her trap, where these frankly unimpressive teens threaten him with swords and bully him until he transforms, as Wednesday’s injection scheme will only work when he is in Hyde mode. Wednesday tries to keep Tyler still by admitting she was attracted to him, which is an extremely funny thing for her to say when he is monstered-out. Jenna Ortega, a legend in the making, manages to utter the phrase “Say hello to your new master” with a totally straight face.

But before she can give him the magic-I’m-the-captain-now juice (?), Francoise-Hyde barges in. Despite having just called Wednesday an “angel” who saved her life, Francoise-Hyde moves to attack Wednesday and only holds back because she and Morticia had a deal. (WHY would she want to kill Wednesday if she’s so grateful to her? And if it’s because she can’t hear reason while in Hyde mode, why would Morticia’s intervention have any impact?) Francoise scoops up her son and leaves Morticia to explain: Francoise gave Morticia her word that she would control her son and leave Jericho forever. Wednesday is skeptical, but Morticia believes “the word of a MOTHER.”

So Wednesday is back at the typewriter. At least she’s got a lot of new material. Slurp is over at Judi’s place, so probably RIP to her. Gomez reports to Morticia that Slurp is actually “Isaac,” whoever that is?! I am getting tired of learning new names. Francoise is tending to her little monster son. Enid does a dramatic nighttime ballet, culminating in her wolfing out. Capri observes this in horror when she sees what’s in the sky: a measly crescent moon. Our girl is off her cycle!

 Wednesday might lose consciousness, but she’ll never lose her attitude.