I thought The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City had given me a decent understanding of the small-business culture in Utah. But with every subsequent episode of Mormon Wives, I discover new levels of twee. If you live in Utah, please provide an on-the-ground report. I’m so curious if restaurants exclusively for things like soda and cinnamon rolls and other such novelties are the norm or if it’s just a fun hyperfixation of the person who chose the shooting locations. Anyway, let’s get back to the drama.

We left off with Taylor having just completed a dramatic reading of the anonymous truth-box confession, “I think Jen is fake.” Let it be known that the anon shit-stirrer did sign off with a smiley face, and I can’t decide if that makes it better or worse. I’m leaning toward worse because I hate passive-aggressiveness, but that seems to be the MomTok way. Jen starts crying, and Whitney invites all the gals to a shower to celebrate “Baby Billy.” Obviously I immediately dug up the Leavitt family tree to see if it’s genealogically possible for this infant to be called “Uncle Baby Billy.” It’s looking like a no, but given the rate at which LDS members reproduce and Whitney’s dedication to this nickname, I’m not ruling it out quite yet.

Whitney and Miranda — who is proving to be neutral-good, even in that knee-length hooded puffer vest — go to a flower store for Baby Billy’s shower. Miranda offers to guess who will skip the shower, and her prediction is a near-perfect overlap with the moms she suspects wrote the “Jen is fake” confession (collectively: Demi, Mikayla, Layla, and Jessi). Whitney continues her redemption tour, trying to rally those same women to celebrate Mayci’s pickleball thing. They all leave her on read, and it’s really fascinating to see exactly where the line is for “contractually obligated interactions.”

Oh, did you think we were done watching Taylor’s family attempt to micromanage her romantic life? Not a chance, babes. Her mom and sister are up in arms because Taylor made a TikTok where Dakota put on his best Cinderella, scrubbing Taylor’s floors with a rag. They should be rooting for this! More men should be on their hands and knees! Yet they are all disgruntled because Taylor is having sex with Mr. Clean. If your baby daddy is sober, doing domestic labor, and, most important, you actually want to bone him, my overall take is that it’s no one’s business but your own and you should do whatever you want. However, Taylor’s family loves policing each other, so they insist the way forward is absolutely no sex while working through stuff. Taylor agrees. She also talks about how she has no feelings anymore and that the sex is a “trauma response” and, yep, none of my business.

Back to Whitney’s redemption tour. She calls Mayci about some videos Mikayla made “about [Whitney’s] traumas.” I am not a licensed mental-health professional, but is leaving a group chat of your own accord considered “trauma?” Whitney understands that the other girls might take part in rude videos about her, but she’s surprised her longtime (fair-weather) bestie Mayci was involved. Mayci insists she was just “doing the trend,” but offers to broker a sit-down between Whitney and Mikayla. MomTok is driven by love and unity, and neither of them are upholding these brand values. Naughty, naughty.

At the Pilates studio, Jessi and Demi drop some shocking news. Yep, that’s right. They will NOT be going to Whitney’s baby shower, but seemingly more because they think Jen is a pathological liar than due to any existing beef with Whitney. Instead, they will be hosting a hibachi dinner for all those skipping the baby shower. Despite this schism-creating behavior, they hope the big girls’ trip to Arizona will be “calm and chill.” And to think these are the same women calling Whitney “delusional.” They also prepare what will surely become the grounding logic for future battles — specifically, that MomTok does not advocate for blind girl power but rather believes that “empowering women is about stepping into your power and telling the truth.” Dying for them to apply this same praxis to, say, MomTok’s individual voting records.

Speaking of empowering women, Jen explains to Zac that MomTok is a huge responsibility for each of them because as a group they’re trying to influence the world. Zac has the audacity to ask what they’re trying to influence because they all just shit on each other, and this man clearly has never seen a single episode of reality television. Imagine becoming a part of a machine without ever playing with the machine yourself — MomTok would never! He then asks her how she wants to deal with this whole thing because she’s crying all the time. She says that she wants to confront the issues head on. Jen. Don’t freak out, but the “issues” might be in the room with you right now.

In Jen’s mind, though, the “issues” are Jessi and Demi. So she reminds Zac that she was “raised in the hood,” then sits down with Jessi to drink hot chocolate and deliver a prepared speech about intention and character. The thing about prepared arguments is that they only work if you’ve passed the bar and are standing in front of a presiding judge. And even then, you’ve got to be quick on your feet. Unfortunately, Jen is not quick on her feet. When the moms yell at each other about the finer points of lightheartedness as it applies to male performances, Jen swiftly loses the plot. She ends up yelping that she didn’t consent for Jessi’s husband to “rub his little dick” on her, and then insisting that “if you’re asking to sleep with us, it’s a ‘no,’” before storming out of the restaurant.

Not to be outdone in the bizarro confrontation department, Whitney and Mikayla go to Sunshine Buns to see if there’s anything worth saving in their friendship. Mikayla has zero interest in any of it, calling Mayci on speaker under the table and refusing to engage. Whitney is frustrated that every time she opens the internet, she sees “blatantly explicit videos about her.” One would think this means porn, but it does not. It means passive-aggressive therapy word salad. Mikayla insists that not everything is about Whitney, that she’s not “harassing” Whitney, that she’s just posting her videos. They swirl on this for some time before agreeing to be cordial in person and a damn mess on the internet. The followers are ravenous for drama and Mikayla is dedicated to providing consistent lukewarm gruel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes things at her day job (being on this show).

Over at Taylor’s, Dakota swings by to play airplane with Ever True and discuss the state of their relationship. Per usual, they are both exhausted from raising an infant and being trapped in a cycle of fighting all day and sleeping together all night. Taylor says it’s time for them to take a good step back and stop the nonsense because “nothing changes if nothing changes.” You guys! Did I manifest Al-Anon auntie? Because I can hear this so clearly coming from a voice that’s ever so hoarse thanks to a lifetime of Virginia Slims. I am slightly curious, though, what these “changes” entail. Is Dakota still going on day dates with other women to Chuck E. Cheese and the trampoline park? Anyway, he’s lost his nighttime privileges.

It’s important to remember that holding a baby is not a right but a privilege. Whitney knew that everyone would want to hold Baby Billy, so she provides bunnies as baby-shaped proxies to keep her guests’ grimy mitts away from her infant. This is genius, and I regret to inform you that Whitney’s redemption tour might be working on me. Taylor and Mayci put their pettiness aside and show up at the shower. So does Jen because she is coalition-building after discovering Layla (brainwashed by Jessi and Demi?) was the one who said she was fake.

Taylor doesn’t understand any of the drama, so she straight up asks Jen what her issue is with Demi. Jen says Demi was playing truth or dare with men in Italy and one of them kissed her on the cheek. It’s immediately obvious that Taylor is like, “Girl, lol, what?!” but instead of calling her a prude, she asks if Jen prodded about the Bret cheating rumors. Everyone else loses their minds because it’s the first they’re hearing of it. Taylor is so good at being on reality television. Like, I’d be willing to joke about her being a producer plant if she wasn’t also out here showing her ass left, right, and center. If this show fails for whatever reason, ship her off to RHOSLC on the earliest flight.

On the other side of the baby-shower divide, Demi, Jessi, Mikayla, and Layla sit outside and catch shrimps in their gaping maws. They agree they all dislike Jen more than Whitney, mostly for the lying. Do y’all think the Ben Affleck lie is that big of a deal or just a one-off? To me, the larger issue is that Jen seems equally afraid of her husband and confrontation, so small miscommunications snowball out of control, not that Jen hasn’t yet done a full Ancestry.com on her in-laws. It doesn’t matter what I think, though. Demi says if Jen comes for her, she’ll “dominate her” and “make her look like such a fool” and that “it can’t go any other way but a bloodbath.” This is “empowering women,” I guess. What could possibly go wrong?

 Taylor is so good at being on reality television.