On the high seas, aboard the Persistent Lady or the Inevitable Conclusion or the Deferential Bottom or whatever the hell this Virgin cruise ship is called, the women are all getting over their fights and starting to get along. I have to admit it is both refreshing and, well, a little boring.
Half of the group goes to an ’80s-themed workout class where they all discuss what they were doing in the ’80s. If you wanna know what Alexia was up to, check out this documentary. Anyway, they’re all in leg warmers and neon colors, and Guerdy has on perhaps the only wig she’s worn all season. They look amazing, and Dorobics should sue for copyright infringement. Alexia talks to Larsa about her conversation with Lisa the night before and how they both need to get over it, stop talking about the past, and choose to move forward. Alexia is correct, but the big obstacle here is that they both have to admit they’re at fault, and they’re both too narcissistic to ever think they’ve done anything wrong.
Lisa calls Larsa so they can have a drink alone and negotiate a cease-fire. Then Larsa brings up how she mentioned something about her calling the paparazzi on Marcus, and I’m ready for round 753 of this never-ending, stupid fight. As Lisa points out, this argument has been international. They’ve been around the world, and they, they, they, they can’t find their baby! Strangely enough, it finally ends. They hug it out, Larsa says she’ll never mention Jody, Canada’s biggest HVAC devotee, again. It’s all over. Détente is reached. Thank the Catholic Jesus and Dicky Branson’s boat, the Blushing Harlot.
The ladies move on to the spa, and Kiki debuts a gorgeous pink one-piece with a slutty little skirt over it. This is her second swimwear outfit of the day, and somehow, in these two looks, she has managed to outdress every cast member on The Real Housewives of Orange County for the entire season. As the rest of the ladies get foot massages for Julia, who apparently is coming forward with her kinks, Alexia and Stephanie pair off and go chat in the mud room.
Stephanie explains why she got so mad at Alexia in Seville, and for the first time it makes sense. Stephanie says that when she got angry at the group dinner and Marexia (Alysol?) left with her, she thought that meant they were really her friends. For the first time, she felt accepted and understood by them. That’s why she was surprised to hear the next day, from Julia, that they think she’s bossy and didn’t want to go on her plane. Alexia, who is as allergic to not keeping it real as Stephanie is to orange juice from concentrate, tells her that they do, in fact, find her bossy. But Alexia reminds Stephanie that she and Marysol are different people, and it was Marysol who didn’t really want to go. Alexia points out that she is always the one who has to say these things, even though Marysol is often the driver behind them.
Alexia also shares one of the reasons that Marysol had about not getting on that plane. According to Alexia, Marysol was pissed that Stephanie went out to lunch with Adriana and had a good time. And there it is! That is the piece we were missing. Stephanie has been grating for most of her tenure on the show, but the reason why Marysol would want to punish her didn’t make sense until then. Of course it has to do with Adriana. Of course this is about a terrible feud that goes back to the earliest days of the show. Of course this has to do with Marysol’s mortal enemy.
Speaking of Adriana: All she does for most of the trip is pout. She just sits there like a coffee cup that says “See You Next Tuesday” on it. Just mean muggin’. She’s not wrong to hate her birthday or that society doesn’t value women after a certain age. We all live under the patriarchy, and it fucking sucks. I get it. (Not as well as women get it, but I try to be as sympathetic as possible.) The struggle for Adriana, historically, has been that she can’t count her blessings. She’s gorgeous, has a hot boyfriend and a loving son, her show is a hit again, fans are loving her this season, and she is sure to put out another club banger. I want to pick Adriana up, dust her off, forget about all the terrible things she did in the first three seasons of this show, and tell her to get over it.
But that cake at dinner is a disaster. Even though she hates her birthday, the women decide to get her a little cake and some hot boys in tight shirts to feed her shots after she has a slice of it. The cake says “Happy birthday.” Okay, well, it doesn’t speak. That would be weird and probably an indication that your microdose of psilocybin had turned into a macrodose. But there is icing on the cake that reads “Happy birthday,” and below it, “32 x 2 – 5.” If you figure that out, it is 59.
I have so many questions about this. Who knew Adriana’s age and told them to put it on there? This reeks of Julia, who is probably the only one Adriana would have admitted her real age to. Or maybe it was Marysol, who organized the trip. You know that she would have glanced at Adriana’s passport just once to clock the real age and never forgot it. And you know she would do something like that. All of the women knew how uncomfortable she was; why would any of them give the cake decorator her age? And why is it a math problem? Is that to disguise the number? Doesn’t that make it worse? Like, Oh, that person is so concerned about their age they don’t want it on the cake, but we’re going to figure it out so we know why they feel bad. Also, who wants to do math on their birthday? I suck at math. Now I don’t just feel old, but I also feel stupid. Thanks a lot, fucking piece of shit icing. Thank God Guerdy scrubbed it off.
After that humiliating display, the women party a bit and get off the boat the next day. We get some solo scenes back in Miami, including one of Guerdy going to therapy alone and talking about the trauma of coming to this country and the resentment she has toward her parents that she has a hard time expressing. It did shed some light on how she reacted to bullying when she first arrived and how it shows up “in the group” on the show.
Even more telling is the dinner that Alexia and Frankie have with Marysol and Steve, where Alexia, Frankie, and Steve are enjoying pasta and salad, while Marysol sits in front of an empty plate. Alexia chides her to have some salad, but Marysol says she ate a big lunch and had a bunch of vegan cheese before they got there. I’m not going to speculate about what’s being suggested here, but I did clock it, and the editors made sure that we clocked it, cutting back to that empty plate more than once.
Even worse is Alexia talking about how she is hoping to get back together with Todd. Ugh, this is such a bad idea. This man moved out right in front of Frankie as if he were nothing. Say what you will about Marysol, but if your best friend doesn’t like your partner, then you should really interrogate why. The friends always know first. There is also an interesting insight into how Marysol works. She says that Steve isn’t ready to hang out with Todd again because he didn’t like the way he treated Alexia. Um, that sounds like Marysol is being the ventriloquist and Steve is just a man-size puppet, except he’s not even moving his mouth.
When Adriana goes to have lunch with Stephanie for a second time (wait until Marysol finds out about this!), it seems like Stephanie finally has Marysol’s number. Here’s the thing: I can totally see how Marysol does this. As Adriana points out, she’s been saying for years that Marysol is the one planting the seeds in the group, spreading the gossip, and stirring the pot, but she always keeps out of it, letting Alexia or others do her dirty work. I don’t want it to be true. I love Marysol, at least since the reboot of the show. Who else is cracking jokes like her? Like when Guerdy asks if Larsa can swim and Marysol immediately quips, “She floats.” Marysol is on it. She gives great confessional and she sticks to her brand, which is smart, silly, and boozy. She’s all we want in a Housewife. But if they’re right about her, well, we have to reevaluate, and I don’t want to lose my innocent love for Marysol.
Even if she is this mastermind, Stephanie is making some mighty big statements about her relationship with Marysol. “If she comes for me, she’d better hit a bull’s-eye, because when it’s my turn, I don’t miss,” she tells Adriana, the chief marketing officer for Down with Marysol Patton LLC LTD Inc. As the words leave her mouth, they twist up to the heavens like the smoke of a candle blown out of a cursed birthday cake. They float all the way up and twist around the aura of Mama Elsa, who snatches those words up in her hands, shakes them three times, and swallows them. She then exhales through her pursed lips like Zeus blowing Ulysses’ ship off course, and a wind so cold and so potent whips through Miami, and three palm trees crash right into a Zara across the street from Stephanie’s office.
Whoever humiliated Adriana by putting her age in icing on her birthday cake needs to be arrested immediately.
