I have never been more excited to write about a Real Housewives fight than I am to write about newbie Stephanie laying into Lisa about her constant lateness. Stephanie says she has two pet peeves: talking about penises and people who are late. On the first, well, I light a votive every night to Kiki, the goddess of male anatomy, because all I ever want to talk about are “dicks, penises, and balls.” But on the second point, I couldn’t concur more. There is absolutely nothing worse in the entire world than Late People.
I’m not talking about people who can be occasionally late. That I understand. Meetings run over, phones get lost, and traffic becomes a nightmare. If you’re running late, send a text and let me know what is happening; you’re absolved. Also, as someone who has spent most of his life in urban environments, everyone gets a 15-minute grace period because public transportation is unreliable, and sometimes, no matter how early you leave, the world conspires against you.
What I hate is Late People with a capital L and a capital P. We all know them — those people who are constantly tardy no matter when you’re meeting or what you’re doing. I do not have them in my life because I just won’t tolerate them. That’s not entirely true. One of my besties is consistently 10 minutes late. That I can handle. I just show up 10 minutes late, and we’re there together, basically on time within the 15-minute grace period. What I can’t stand are people like Lisa, who are always 30, 45, or 90 minutes late. In this instance, she is two-and-a-half hours late. That is a whopping 150 minutes late while everyone else sits in a Sprinter van with nothing to do except wait for one lady who can’t get her shit together. It is galling, and if someone did that to me once, I would never talk to them again.
Lisa shows up to the van to go to Alexia’s goddess party, and when she arrives, there is no apology, no excuse, no explanation. She just tells everyone they look amazing in the hopes that they’ll just let her tardiness slide, as they have done so many times before. We get a great montage of it, including Andy Cohen looking more annoyed than when a twink turns him down. You’re going to make Andy, essentially your boss, wait for that long? For what? For why? What is she doing? What is so important that it takes her that much longer than everyone else? She doesn’t look any better, she doesn’t have a more complicated life, she doesn’t even have a real job. Why is she so late?
Something is different this time, and it’s Stephanie. As soon as Lisa gets on the bus she says, “Lisa, do you think your time is more important than all of ours or you’re more valuable? Are we supposed to celebrate your entrance? Do you know how rude it is to make everyone wait?” Exactly! Yes! This is what I want to say to all late people. You’re not better than me, and to make me waste my day because of your carelessness is not an option. Again, 10, 15, 20 minutes, fine. Two and a half hours! That is unbelievable. Someone should fire that woman straight into the moon.
What is more unbelievable is that none of the women have said anything to her all of these years. Both Marysol and Larsa, in their confessionals, admit that they’ve been putting up with this for years and not saying anything. What is wrong with them? If I was stuck with a coworker like Lisa, I would yell at her until she was more punctual. Acutally, no. I would insist that, after an hour, the bus leaves, Lisa misses out, doesn’t get to be in the episode, and therefore does not get paid. I’m sorry, but it is unacceptable, not only to the other women, but to the producers, cameramen, sound guys, PAs, and everyone else necessary to film this show. If I were a producer, I would dock Lisa’s pay every time she was more than 30 minutes late without a valid excuse because she’s costing them money in overtime.
Lisa’s only retort is that Stephanie doesn’t know her very well and it’s rude the way she’s talking to her. Lisa has to police Stephanie’s tone because she has no argument based on the merits. There is no reason to be that late ever. Ever! And she knows there is no reason for it, so she has to attack how Stephanie is saying it rather than what she’s saying. What really galls me after that retort is that Stephanie is going to bat for the whole group, and none of the other women have her back. They were all bitching about Lisa’s lateness before she arrived and Stephanie gave them the perfect excuse to say, “Actually, Lisa, we do know you well, we know you’re always this late, it really pisses all of us off, and it needs to change.”
To her credit, Larsa does pipe up to try to say something, but Lisa uses a similar argument with Larsa, saying that because they’re not on speaking terms, Larsa can’t talk to her. I’m sorry, I have never spoken to Lisa in my life, I know her even less than Stephanie, and I am sitting here telling her that she is rude, classless, self-involved, and an all-around bad person for constantly disrespecting everyone around her and not valuing other people’s time. So there!
Whew, child. I am glad I got that out, and I can’t wait to continue this rant again next week when the women finally arrive at Alexia’s goddess party so late they could have shown the entirety of Titanic in the time it took them to get there. At least Alexia gets to hang out with her new guru, Daniel Chidiac. I don’t know who this guy is, what he does, or if we should believe him. There is one thing that I know, and it is that he is hotter than the inside of a short-circuiting air fryer. I would do whatever this man told me to do as well, so I get why Alexia is so transfixed, and I just wish she used the group’s lateness to get over Todd and under Daniel. I think that is the kind of self-help that she really needs.
There wasn’t much else going on in the rest of the episode. We spent a lot of time with Stephanie and her collection of Birkins, but due to the Eileen Davidson Accords, we can’t judge her for a few more episodes. She was introduced so late in the season, it’s going to be the reunion by the time we get to pipe in.
Guerdy and Julia have a sit-down following their brawl at Marysol’s wedding reception, and they both sort of apologize and they both sort of don’t. Julia says she’s sorry for screaming and throwing water at Guerdy, but never says that she’s sorry for saying that they were never friends or for what she was telling everyone that happened on the cruise that started this whole argument. Guerdy says she’s sorry for saying that Julia went to get a facelift while Martina was in cancer treatment and explains she only did it to hurt Julia after Julia hurt her. This fight continues as a stalemate, and I have a feeling, like Carrie and Aiden’s relationship on And Just Like That…, it’s only going to get worse as the season continues.
Larsa and Kiki had a great scene with Kiki’s son Shemar, who was home from college and hanging out with his equally adorable friend Nery. Kiki is trying to repair her relationship with her father and her father’s relationship with Shemar and she gets some great advice from (checks notes) Larsa? No. That can’t be right. Larsa has never taken the time to think about others long enough to offer them good advice. But here she is, telling Kiki not to call her father and admonish him about possibly forgetting Shemar’s birthday the next day, but to instead tell him that they’re going to have a cake for him so she just reminds him in casual conversation. Larsa knows that a man likes to feel empowered, like he likes to think he had the idea himself, even though we know nothing in the world happens without a woman reminding a man to do it. When Kiki isn’t sure how or when to call her dad, Larsa tells her to call him right then. She calls, it goes well, and Larsa, for the first time in her natural life, has kept a family together.
Speaking of no-good men, there were a few things at the top of the episode that editors placed for us to be worried about Lisa’s relationship with Jody. The first is when Hurricane Milton was barrelling in on Miami, and Lisa asks if they have hurricane insurance and says that it is mandated by Florida law to have it. She is wrong, but Jody tells her, “Don’t worry about it.” Sorry, never trust a man who says not to worry about it. That’s probably what Joe Giudice told Teresa every time she asked about all the weird mail they were getting from banks. If your partner doesn’t care about you enough to explain something and just wants you to trust his knowledge, then that is a red flag redder than Lindsay Lohan’s original hair color.
The second instance occurs when she’s in her confessional and discussing her settlement agreement with Lenny, at which point we hear Jody off-camera piping up and telling her to hold off. She says Jody knows more about it than she does. Oh, Molly, you in danger, girl. This man seems to be insinuating himself into Lisa’s life in all sorts of possibly nefarious ways. Or at least that’s how the show wants it to appear. After all, maybe he’s just caring for her, maybe he’s just making sure that someone has her back. How can she pay attention to what is or isn’t in her settlement agreement when she can’t even be bothered to show up on time?
How is it possible that Stephanie is the first Housewife to call out Lisa’s constant lateness?
