When Anna Yuan started posting on social media about being part of the Denver cast of Love Is Blind, real-life acquaintances reached out in confusion. “I am in a relationship now, so they were like, ‘Why the fuck are you going on a show? What happened to him?’” the hairstylist recalls. “And I’m like, ‘Girl, this was so long ago.’” Yuan says she struggled to remember everything that happened during production last year and watched the first batch of episodes as more of a viewer than participant: “It feels like I’m getting filled in on things I didn’t know about.”

She does, of course, remember ghosting. In the pods, Yuan formed a connection with construction manager Patrick Suzuki, who is Asian like her. They didn’t expect to be attracted to each other, but she ultimately opened up to him about her family, including a complicated relationship with her mother, and wondered aloud how she was “catching feelings for a lava-lamp wall.” But she was also enjoying an easy rapport with accountant Blake Anderson, giggling over s’mores and exchanging “mating calls” with him on a campfire-themed date. Yet three episodes in, she left the experiment without giving either man a head’s up, initiating a ripple effect in the pods. Suzuki pivoted to a short-lived engagement with Kacie McIntosh, while Anderson’s subsequent exit left Megan Walerius (better known as Sparkle Meg) to reassess the corners of her own love triangle. Yuan says her decision to call it quits wasn’t as abrupt as Netflix’s edit made it seem, though. “They’re not going to show the ten hours of me playing mind games with myself and talking about how I was ready to leave.”

When you decided to leave the experiment without saying good-bye, did you remember that you’d told Blake you wouldn’t ghost someone you were dating consistently? 
Not at all. When I watched it back, I was like, “Oh my God … hypocrite!” We talked about so many deep topics in those dates, but I have no memory of that, so that definitely was a hard watch. I was like [face-palms].

What was the turning point when you knew you were going to go home?
I don’t think I can pinpoint a moment when I was like, Yes, I’m leaving. I was just having a hard time in general, from the start of the experiment to my end. Before I agreed to do the show, I told them, “This is kind of tricky for me. I’m in contact with my parents almost every day. I’ve been their helper all my life because they’re immigrants and have a pretty severe language barrier.” I was grateful the show understood that my circumstance was unique — it wasn’t common for other cast members to have someone from the outside be in connection with them, but a producer was talking to my mom every night to let her know that I was okay. And he would tell me before filming every day that he’d talked to her.

What did your parents know about the premise of Love Is Blind? 
Nothing. I had to be pretty dodgy; it was already not okay that I was letting a parent know that I was going on a show. I pretty much just said, “Hey, there’s this big show that wants me to go on it. I think this could be a good thing. And I’m telling you now because they’re going to take my phone, and I won’t be able to talk to you for weeks.” But my parents have no concept of reality TV. They don’t watch American TV or even know what Netflix is. My mom was like, “You’re getting scammed. This seems dangerous.”

The day before I left the pods, my producer let me know my mom had called the night before and was begging to hear my voice because she was so worried about me. At that point, I had already built up a lot of anxiety. On set, I would try to mask it because I was trying to show up the best that I could and keep going. But in the back of my head, I was constantly worried about what was going on at home. I had a really hard day filming, and that night I had a panic attack. I was not feeling good about the whole thing and I was riddled with guilt.

If you had stayed in the experiment, you potentially would have had to ask your parents to meet your fiancé on-camera. How prepared were you for that? 
I knew that if I came out of the pods engaged, they would be pretty uncomfortable with it and have a million questions. I was like, Let me compartmentalize, that and I’ll deal with that conversation later. Hypothetically, if I had met the right person and we were doing the portion where we were at home meeting friends and family, I knew that I would have had good judgment and picked someone good. My parents have had very big trust in me our entire lives, and I’m sure they would have come around to it.

It sounds like you might have tried to stick it out longer in the pods if you felt like you’d met the right person.
[Nods.]

Were you planning to reach out to Blake and Patrick after you left?
I waited until I got back to Denver, because my adrenaline was off the charts. I was like, God, what the fuck did I just do? But once I got home and had my phone, I reached out to them both immediately. They’re such sweet guys, and they were both super-understanding. I didn’t know Blake had left that day as well. I think we found comfort in the fact that we did the same thing unbeknownst to each other. Patrick was super-nice about it, too. I think he was bummed about his journey with Kacie more than anything.

Did you consider trying to date anyone from the show afterward?
Specifically with Patrick, I probably wasn’t thinking that initially because he was just engaged to Kacie, who I consider a friend. They got to the point of saying “I love you” and wanting to take that next step, which is very serious. I don’t think I was in the place to be like, “Hey, you want to try?”

The entire cast had a few group hangouts after filming in Denver, and we all acted very friendly. And honestly, not exploring a romantic relationship made me feel a bit more confident about making the decision to leave. I was grateful that instead of getting engaged and having it perhaps not end well, I got to gain platonic friendships from it instead.

What was missing from your connection with Patrick that would’ve made it feel strong enough to stay for? As a viewer, you two seemed to be getting pretty close.  
Watching it back, that connection seemed much deeper than what I remember. I’m not trying to downplay it; I had a great connection with Patrick. We have a lot of things in common in our upbringing that we bonded over that made us both feel really safe. But my headspace at the time was that Blake was my No. 1 match. Patrick was second. On top of the background issues I was having from worrying about my parents at home, there were a multitude of reasons why I could not just pick Patrick.

He’s kind of bro-y … like, in the best way. Typically, that is not the type of person I would go for in the outside world. I definitely was always worried about that. There were times in the pods where I had no problem getting really deep and sensitive, and I think he struggled to open up. When he’s uncomfortable, he has no problem being like, “Nope, we’re not talking about that.” Which I think is a great quality, having boundaries! But I’d be like, “No, you’re not in charge here. I wanted to talk about this, so we’re going to talk about this.” That happened a few times on a few of our dates. If I can imagine us making it out of the pods, I feel like maybe we would have fought about that.

Some people have speculated that you actually left because you got insecure that Patrick wouldn’t like you. I feel like there are some assumptions or projections embedded in that discourse — I don’t know if you’ve seen any of it. 
Girl, I saw it all. I need to stay off the internet. Obviously I can’t control what people say, but I’m like, What a big, wrong assumption you’re making. I’ve seen a lot of comments that were like, “She left before he got to see her physically to save her dignity. She knew that he wanted a hot, petite Asian and would disappoint him with her looks.” I don’t really look like I did on the show anymore, and I’ve seen a few that were like, “Damn, you should have lost that weight before you went on. That would’ve made you not leave.” It’s so ridiculous to jump to that conclusion but also insult me at the same time. My physical appearance truly did not cross my mind one time while we were filming. It’s crossing my mind now that I’m reading that stuff. It’s hard to go through a health journey and a wave of confidence at my age, and then have thousands of strangers comment on footage of my old self.

If you could do it over, would you choose to go on Love Is Blind again? 
No. I’ve built pretty good friendships with both Blake and Patrick. Adore them — they’re great, great men. But I don’t think there’s a world where it would have worked for them to be my husband. I also dated other guys in the pods, and meeting them in real life … there’s nothing bad about them, but I truly saw how incompatible we are. I learned that there’s lots of things that I need to see in a person to really decide that I love somebody and want to say the words “I want to marry you.” I don’t think I would do it again, but I am grateful for it. You learn a lot about yourself in there. I realized that I wasn’t as healed as I thought I was from past relationships and that I probably needed to work through some more things in therapy.

Have your parents watched the show?
I still haven’t told them what the show was. It’s hard because I feel like I’m almost speaking in broken Chinese to them. When I came back to Denver, I was like, “I’m home. It wasn’t for me. I’m actually having a really rough time.” And my mom was like, “Okay, just take care of yourself. I’m glad you’re not doing that anymore.” We literally have not talked about it since. They’re not on the internet and don’t have social media or anything, so I don’t know if I’ll ever have to bring it up. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little grateful they’re so far removed from this, because it’s one less thing to explain all over again.

 And realized the experiment was never going to work for her: “There’s lots of things I need to see in a person to really decide that I love somebody.”