It’s time for another episode of The Golden Bachelor and another week of me wondering exactly who at ABC-Disney-Lunchables HQ I have to take to the Fantasy Suite in order to host a comedy challenge?! Come on! A comedy writing challenge where a bunch of women roast a man? This is 100 percent in my wheelhouse. Have I ever hosted or done a roast before? Not exactly. Can I identify more topics to roast Mel about than “said something on a podcast”? Yes. He only wears formal recovery slip-ons. I don’t think he asks one of the Golden ladies a single question throughout the entire episode. He ironically uses the word “pizzazz.” Boom, roasted! Please, corporate overlords, it’s my time to help these women put together a satirical sketch comedy revue about love and sex in their 60s and beyond.
Let’s get into it.
Wow, this season is FLYING by, huh? It’s already surpassing any season of The Bachelor (and weirdly the most recent season of Project Runway) by delivering an elimination each episode. But I wish we had gotten a little more depth out of Mel. I’m over him being dragged over the coals for his comment on whatever sports podcast, and ready for him to open up emotionally. I want YEARNING, Mel. I want TEARS. I want shoes with a LEATHER UPPER. Time to step it up.
The first date of the week is a group date for Nicolle, Geri, Robin, Amy, Monica B., Cindy, Terri, Cheryl, Carol … ugh this is getting exhausting … everyone except Debbie. Debbie immediately starts crying, and I swear to god, if this doesn’t work out for her, I want her to be our next Golden Bachelorette. The women applaud Debbie while Cindy’s organs eat themselves from the inside out. The date this week is to show off Mel’s ability to take criticism? He’s getting some help from comedian and podcast host Jared Freid. I feel like this would have been a great opportunity to have a roast comic help the women write jokes. This is a job for Nikki Glaser or Deborah Vance. Cheryl has never even heard of the concept of a roast. She keeps asking if the point is to be as mean as possible. Meanwhile, Carol left her readers at home and is wandering around the theater. She’s asking everyone if they have some spare glasses and literally running into walls. On The Golden Bachelor set, there needs to be a fishbowl of reading glasses. There should also be a fishbowl of condoms and latex safe lubricants, but that’s for later in the season.
It’s time for the roast! Monica B. is up first, and she kills it. “Mel is like a classic car, strong, sexy, and you don’t go over 60.” Incredible! She finishes her set by directing all the women to the exits. Cheryl is up next, and she just straight-up tells Mel he’s two minutes from needing a scooter in the airport. Slam! Terri brings up her puppet. Terri. The puppet isn’t working for you like you think it is. Amy decides she’s not going to prepare any material and just starts ranting about the house and how she takes care of everyone. Jared “saves” Amy by saying her set sounds like a voicemail from his mom. He tells Mel not to marry Amy. Jared! That’s not your role here! Nicolle makes fun of making out with Mel in the pool and offers to check the IDs of women in the audience before they talk to Mel. It’s finally Carol’s turn, and she jokes that Mel likes 40 to 60-year-olds, and they have that in common! She also says that the women were hoping for a rich quarterback! Zing!! She falls into an open sewer grate on her way back to her seat. Mel has to choose one woman to take on a romantic date and he picks Nicolle! Duh!
They head off to a romantic dinner together, and Nicolle launches into an interrogation about Mel’s divorce. She gets the basic details of the marriage: they were together for 25 years, his wife told him it was over, and he wants to get married again. But I need one of the women to really dig in. What do you mean that your wife didn’t even sit you down to talk about it and just told you it was over? How did you contribute to the breakup of the relationship? How often did she ask you to unload the dishwasher? Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. Nicolle has been married twice, and she’s looking for one more marriage to take her to the end. I love this perspective. Mel feels the chemistry between him and Nicolle, and you can’t manufacture that. She gets the rose. Then he repeats Monica B.’s joke from the roast. See! All he does is repeat the ladies’ jokes!
It’s the next day in the mansion, and Debbie is getting ready for her date with Mel, and she’s positively vibrating with anticipation — oh wait, that’s later. Debbie has one of the strongest brands in the house: Never Been Married. I’m willing to wait 12 more years for this age-appropriate Drew Barrymore rom-com. Mel picks up Debbie, and he loves her sense of adventure. He didn’t want to take her on an ordinary dinner date. He wants to take her on a slightly more interesting dinner date. They head to a restaurant and meet up with Chef Ludo Lefebvre, the bad boy of the kitchen. They make an omelet together. I guess when you’re in your 60s, an omelet after 7 p.m. is a risky endeavor. Mel and Debbie can’t keep their hands off each other. They’re not shoving their hands down each other’s shirts, but they’re just always touching. Debbie is thrilled to give his butt a little tap. When they sit down to eat dinner, Debbie talks about how the first season of the show gave her hope that her love was out there, and she opened her heart and applied. Mel calls her beautiful several times. She gets the rose.
While Debbie and Mel are out on their date, Bachelor Mansion has been invaded by Kathy and Susan, our favorites from season one, for a SLUMBER PARTY!!!!!! Yeah, I want 10 episodes of just this. And Just Like That… should have been more like a Golden Bachelor slumber party. The ladies play Never Have I Ever, and Geri takes a big bite of ice cream to signal that she’s a member of the Mile High Club. She’s a certified freak. Susan and Kathy give everyone the same piece of advice: Put yourself out there and kiss him, ya dummy! Cindy is freaking out because it’s hard to watch Mel with other women, and Amy is not like other girls. She likes football and beer. Before Susan and Kathy leave, they give everyone vibrators and demonstrate how great they are for “your muscles.” Peg has to be told in a confessional by a producer that yes, they are actual vibrators. For your vagina.
It’s time for the Cocktail Party! All the women are ready to get their smooch on. They line up in an orderly fashion and give Mel one (1) respectable smooch. Carol steals him away first and is so awkward and confused as to how to flirt. She keeps repeating “Well, you’re handsome and … handsome” until Mel asks her about her favorite sports team and snaps her back to reality. They have a little smooch. Robin sits down with him and jokes that she’s gotten flirting advice, flips her hair, and gives him a wink. You know what, Robin does have pizzazz! Cindy sits down with Mel, and he tells her that her hair looks great and she’s ready to risk it all.
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Four women will be going home. Cindy, Peg, Roxane, Geri, Cheryl, and Robin get roses, and the final rose goes to Carol. No! That means Amy, Terri, and the Monicas are going home! Terri grabs her puppet, and I’m sure we’ll see them in Bachelor in Paradise one day. Paradise loves a gimmick.
Next week: We have Peg and Mel on a fairgrounds date and beach photoshoot that pisses everyone off! Also, is Nicolle here for the right reasons? (Obviously not, c’mon, y’all!)
The group date is about seeing how Mel takes criticism by having the women write jokes and roast him.
